09 May 2007

Watch out for Tony's last stand

Reports suggest that Tony Blair will announce a timetable for his resignation tomorrow at his constituency.

Personally I don't believe what "reports suggest" that often anymore, so I'm not hopeful. Possible options for what might happen tomorrow:

  1. Tony declares martial law, on the grounds that Gordon isn't up to the job. John Birt is brought in as commander-in-chief of the armed forces. Or maybe Peter Mandelson will be brought back from Brussels.
  2. Tony stays on as the puppet head of a national government with Dave Cameron as the right hand man (I floated this idea back in September)
  3. Tony walks into the spaceship and ascends to the heavens, a la Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
  4. Tony walks on water and ascends to heaven, a la "The Second Coming".
  5. It is revealed that for the past 24 years Tony has been an automaton controlled by Ming Campbell, who is actually "Ming the Merciless" from Flash Gordon.
  6. Someone blows up a secret transmitter and Tony and most of the New Labour cabinet are revealed to be hideous aliens (a la They Live).
  7. Someone blows up Tony.
  8. Tony announces he's decided to accept the vacant manager's job at Newcastle United.
  9. It is revealed that in a secret deal just before leaving office, Tony has sold the entire country to a private equity group headquartered in Dubai. The top 100 millionaires in the country are all given $2 billion of stock options each and told to work very hard. The rest of us are put on minimum wage and told to work even harder, or shipped out to Belarus if we complain. The CBI issues a statement saying "it's good for employment."
What's it gonna be then, Tony? My money's on something a bit violent - 6 or 7, or 1 if it turns nasty. Note the caption in the BBC article linked to above:

'Mr Blair will fire starting gun in leadership contest'

That suggests Tony will be the source of the violence. Maybe we should add:

10. Tony shoots Gordon (but how if he's not up in Sedgefield as well?) turns and grins smugly at the camera, says "OK, whatcha gonna do now, ya baz?"

Love it.


red two said...

Did you hear radio 5's coverage of a guitar being delivered to no.10, followed by speculation that he was going to sing himself out?

Best suggestion of what should be sung was "Jilted John"...

giroscoper said...

I didn't hear that but it is a classic. I'd have gone for "Out of Touch" by Hall & Oates myself.